Just Enough, Or Not Enough At All?

I've been reading through lots of diaries/memoirs/blogs these past few months, and have been greatly challenged by the lives of people whom God has sent before me to love the afflicted and needy. Whether it be The Life and Diary of David Brainerd (missionary to American Indians in mid-1700s), There is No Me Without You (story of an Ethiopian woman who took in hundreds of orphans at the start of the HIV/AIDS crisis), or the Amazima Ministries blog (written by a 21-year old named Katie, who is living in Uganda with 14 no-longer-orphaned daughters)- there is something about these stories that catches me off-guard.

Maybe it's because these stories are so unlike the story I foresee playing out in my own life. I find myself thinking- I could never live with as much single-minded devotion as David Brainerd did. I could never persist through devastation and hopelessness the way Haregewoin did. I could never really leave behind everything to care for orphans the way Katie did.

I label these stories and people as radical, and very different than myself- but what if I'm wrong in doing so? Francis Chan says it well in his book Crazy Love, in a chapter called "Profile of the Lukewarm,"

"Why is it that the story of someone who has actually done what Jesus commands resonates deeply with us, but we then assume we could never do something so radical or intense? Or why do we call it radical when, to Jesus, it is simply the way it is? The way it should be?"

Why am I so surprised in coming across people actually doing what God's word says? Would Jesus label them as radical, or would He simply see them as faithful?

In reading these stories, I have become aware of my own lukewarm obedience, and "just enough" method to following Jesus. I was concerned with figuring out how I could be devoted just enough to be counted faithful, but avoid any actual suffering; or how I could surrender just enough to be counted obedient, but still be comfortable.

Problem is, as Francis Chan writes, "the idea of holding back certainly didn't come from Scripture. The Bible teaches us to be consumed with Christ and to faithfully live out His words. The Holy Spirit stirs in us joy and peace when we are fixated on Jesus, living by faith, and focused on the life to come."

Perhaps in choosing to remain lukewarm and continue giving "just enough"- I am actually missing out on the real joy of following Christ. Even more, what if I miss not only the joy, but the entire point as well? What if lukewarm faithfulness and obedience really doesn't count for anything? What if my "just enough" is really not enough at all? Jesus seems to make it pretty clear when He said He was going to vomit the lukewarms of His kingdom out of His mouth (Rev 3:16). Somehow I doubt He meant that to be more pleasant than it sounds- I think He might have been serious. And if He was, and is, and is to come- then fire of God, fall on me.

Praying to Surrender

Along with this really cool painting, my dear friend Kate (I call her Kitten, but the reason why escapes me) left me a really encouraging note the other day. It in, she included a prayer that John Wesley wrote...

The Covenant Prayer

I am no longer my own, but Yours.
Put me to what You will, rank me with whom You will;
put me to doing, put my to suffering;
let me be employed for You or laid aside for You,
exalted for You or brought low for You;
let me be full, let me be empty;
let me have all things, let me have nothing;
I freely and heartily yield all things to Your pleasure and disposal.
You are mine, and I am Yours.
So be it. And the covenant which I have made on earth,
let it be ratified in heaven. Amen.

I have been so challenged by these words the past few days, and have desperately prayed for the grace to make them my own. I want a heart that freely and fully gives everything to the Lord- that He may do with it what He wills, and that He might receive all the glory for doing so.

Speaking for Those Who Cannot

One of the first things we (Special Hope Network) hope to do is to speak on behalf of orphans with intellectual disabilities. Over the past few weeks, I have gotten the chance to speak to various people (ie- friends, family, neighbors on planes, fellow waiting-roomers, church missions committees, etc) in various ways (ie- letters, emails, phone calls, random conversations, presentations, blog posts, etc :). As I have done so, God has convinced me more and more of the necessity, even imperativity* of my doing so.

While our generation seems to have no trouble speaking for ourselves, it seems we often forget to speak on behalf of others, especially those weaker than us. But perhaps, we are actually not very different than any other generation in our tendency to forget. Solomon's address in Proverbs 31 seems to suggest that his own sons, the princes of Israel (to whom he is writing) were not unlike us...

"Open your mouth for those who cannot speak, for the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy."

As emphasized by his repetitious words, it seems it was just as easy for people in Solomon's time to forget the weakest ones of the world. He says twice "open your mouth." The easier thing, and therefore our natural tendency is to remain silent, but Solomon commands that we speak! It is our responsibility as the people of God- we must speak for those who cannot speak, love those who are not loved, and even more defend the rights of the needy, perhaps even needy ones like this one-


He is an orphan with an intellectual disability. In this picture, he is eating one of his two weekly meals. If he continues to go uncared-for, he will most likely die of malnutrition. He has been forgotten by the world, but is deeply loved by Jesus Christ.



Will you join me in asking for a heart like God's- one that loves little guys like him? I pray that God would convict and increase my heart all the more, that I might speak His truth on behalf of orphans with disabilities. As I speak, I pray that the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart would be pleasing to Him (Ps 19:14), and that to Him would be all the blessing, honor, glory, and power (Rev 5:13). Amen.

*I confess to making up words, especially ones that sound as good as "imperativity."

Gains and Losses

In preparing to move to Africa, I have been thinking a lot about things I will need- specifically clothes. Most of you are not surprised by this at all, as you have most likely noticed my concern for clothes. I am the girl who always likes looking a certain way- put-together, classy, with just a hint of trendy. I must honestly say that I have given a lot of thought over the past few weeks to figuring out how to surrender myself without having to surrender my style.

This post is meant to function as a white flag of sorts, as I find myself unable to justify this aspect of my life as any different than any other part. Truth is, Jesus demands I surrender it all- my clothes and my style are no exception.

But why? What's the big deal? I think this passage from Phillipians 3 has allowed me the most clarity in answering these questions...

"But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in Him..."

If I am to know more of Christ, and if others are to know more of Him through me- I must be willing to count all things as rubbish. I must confess that, right now, I do not feel that way about my clothes. They are precious to me because they have become part of my identity- so much that my style actually defines part of who I am.

As I realized this to be true, I became deeply disturbed. I do not want to be defined by anything but Jesus. I do not want to be known for anything but His presence in me. I do not want anything to get in the way of His increase in the world- certainly not something as silly as clothes. I want more of Jesus too much to let such a silly thing get in the way. If it means I get more of Jesus, and the world gets more of Him through me- I think I can get over it. It will certainly take time and lots of grace, but I am trusting Him who provides everything for life and godliness (2 Pet 1:3), and that the gains will eternally outweigh the losses.

PS- Though I am surrendering my clothes and style, I want to assure you I am actually still going to wear clothes. There will be change, however- as I do want to be more intentional about how I dress so that my outward appearance may better reflect the desires of my heart. Who knows, maybe it's camel hair and leather for me from here on out...(Mark 1)

It's All for Ernie

So our dining room-office has become less and less cozy as we see the Nelsons' move-out day approaching. The Nelsons have given away/gotten rid of a lot of their things- including their dining room table where I used to sit and work. I now send all my emails while sitting in a plastic folding chair, at a plastic folding table. The only real warmth in the room is provided by the still-up Christmas tree (who is dying slowly, but surely), Zuzu the dog's slobber, and whatever yummy food Holly has made (slobber and yummy in the same sentence doesn't really work, does it?).

As a way of comforting his dear wife, and reminding us all why we are leaving everything behind to go to this even-less-comfortable-than-we-are-now country, Eric put some pictures up on the wall. For those of you imagining Eric sitting with his coloring books and markers, let me clarify that these are not pictures Eric drew, but instead ones that he took in Africa.

Where there once were family pictures and mementos adorning the Nelsons' walls and shelves, they are now photographs of African children. They are the most adorable little ones- with beautiful brown skin, dark hair, and beautiful smiles. They are all orphaned, living with an intellectual disability; some are HIV positive, some are dealing with full blown AIDS.

Can I tell you about my favorite little guy? His name is Ernie and he lives in South Africa. There is something about the look in his crossed-eyes that stirs the depths of my heart. I find myself glancing back at him throughout the day, longing to be done with the development phase of this ministry, and ready to jump into the "doing" phase. I long for the day when the emails will be put on pause, and I will simply get to hold ones just like Ernie.

As we are not yet in the "doing" phase, Ernie's little face is enough for now. It will get me through the phone calls, mailings, and meetings. I wish I could post his picture (I cannot for specific reasons) so you could see what I mean. I'm certain you would agree- he makes it all worth it.

Laney Pocket

A quick addendum to my last post...

Laney (the one on the left) just asked "Can I come to Africa in your pocket?"

Forget Polly Pocket, I'm taking Laney with me. I think the kids would enjoy her precious loving heart much more than pink and purple plastic.

Faith Like A Child- Particularly This One on the Right

Today I saw the precious Ferguson girls for the first time since I've gone public with the Africa decision. When I walked up to the door, I was met by a screaming Laney, who was jumping up and down with eagerness to show me all her new things- especially her big girl bunk bed. She talked a mile a minute, and I instantly remembered exactly why my heart has been absolutely captured by this little girl.

Then, we walked across the street to pick up Awbrey from school. When Awbrey saw me standing outside of her classroom, she ran over and gave me the most genuine hug I have ever received. With arms wrapped around my neck, she quietly asked, "So, you're leaving?" I thought I might lose it...

We walked home, hand in hand, and I told the girls about children in Africa who don't have a mommy or daddy. They seemed to understand, and Awbrey asked lots of very good questions (where do they sleep? are they hungry? etc). When we got back home, I asked Awbrey how it made her feel to know that I would be leaving soon. Her response reminds me what Jesus meant when he told us to have faith like a child...

"Well, it makes me sad. But happy too."

"Why does it make you happy, Awbrey?"

"Because you're going to take care of the kids. Maybe you could even draw a picture of Jesus and show it to them so they can see who He is."

Awbrey proceeded to spend the afternoon drawing pictures and collecting small toys for me to take to the kids in Africa. I pray for more responses like these, and that faith like this child's would arise in the hearts of many.

Unite My Heart

I think part of the reason my brain is so overwhelmed is because it is dealing with so many different things at one time. I am having to carry around with me several differents "hats," if you will, and am constantly juggling so that I might have on the right one at the right time. There have been plenty of moments this week that required my Special Hope hat; many needing my Best Friend hat; some needing my Church hat; a couple demanding my Self hat (I confess that I do currently possess a hat to be worn when I need a little "me" time). I feel that so much of my energy is being used in the switching of the hats, and even in trying to figure out how to wear more than one at a time.

While I think it's OK and even necessary to have my mind focused on different things at various times, I don't believe the same principle applies to my heart. Scripture seems to say that when it comes to the focus of my heart- there can only be one thing upon which I dwell. It is said over and over again, in so many different ways, by so many different people- but here is the passage I've been praying through today, first uttered from the mouth of David, recorded in Psalm 86...

"Unite my heart to fear your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart, and I will glorify Your name forevermore."

In the midst of all the hat juggling, I am asking the Lord that I might keep the eyes of my heart fixed on Him and the achievement of His glory. Whatever hat I wear, at whatever moment I wear it- may the desire of my heart be to glorify the Lord Jesus. I am desperately longing to honor Him in how I use my time, as I am finding it to be a hot commodity these days, and ache to see His name made great in all that I am and do.

So, today, I sing this song (as led to do so by Maddy, my worship-leading best friend). Will you sing with me?

Give me an undivided heart
that I may fear Your Name.
Give me an undivided heart
and I'll have no other gods,
no other love,
no other gods before You.