What it Really Means

I said goodbye to my family about 4 months ago. It was hard; it was painful; it made the whole 'moving to Africa' thing real. In hindsight, however, there is no way I could have actually known what I was saying, or what 'goodbye' actually meant.

Now that I have said goodbye again to my sister and mom, I feel I have gained newer, and more comprehensive understanding of what that word really means- and found that to say it is actually even harder; even more painful; and even more all-encompassing than it was 4 months ago.

It means that I don't get to share a room with my sister/best friend, like we did for so many years of our lives, and did for the couple of weeks while she was here. It means we don't get to help each other choose the right outfit for the day ahead, nor just the right snack to have at the just the right time. It means we don't get to do life with each other on a daily basis.

It also means that I don't get to have my mom here to make sure I am eating enough, like she has had to do for most of my life. It means we don't get to run errands together, or go grocery shopping for the dinner we are making together. It means being really far away from each other most of the time.

The reality of goodbye is heartbreaking. For all involved- it is hard; it is painful; it is very, very real. After dropping my sister and then my mom at the Lusaka Airport, I came home and just cried and slept most of the rest of the day- it was just too much too handle all at once.

But both times, I woke up, realized that the heartbreak was as inescapable as the call on my heart for orphans here in Africa, and so I turned to the only place I knew to provide guaranteed comfort and encouragement in the midst of sorrow. I opened the worn pages of the gospels, to the very passages that brought me to Zambia in the first place, and re-read them-

If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?
Luke 9:23-25

Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife of brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God who will not receive many times more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life.
Luke 18:29-30

Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 10:37-38

Figuring out and feeling more deeply what 'goodbye' really means has, in turn, allowed me to better understand what these words really mean. To deny yourself, you actually have to sacrifice. To take up your cross, you actually have to drop everything else. To lose your life for the sake of Christ, you actually have to die.

These are things I have found to be completely and utterly impossible for me to do- my selfish heart is in no way willing to sacrifice, lay aside, or die to the things and people I love. The only hope I have for actually doing so- and therefore, for faithfully obeying God's commands- is if He gifts me with the strength and ability to do so. His Spirit alone provides the means for holiness and godliness- it is not something I could ever muster on my own.

And what that really means is that He, alone must receive the honor, blessing, glory, and fame- for He is the only deserving. He is the only one worth the sacrifice, the cross-bearing, and the death. My prayer is that, for the sake of Himself and His Name, He would allow me to forsake all; to live a life surrendered to His will and purposes; and that, if it please Him, my treasure would be stored up in heaven, not here on this earth, to have for the eternity to come.