A Confession...

I failed Him. How could I once again been so sure that I would succeed in obedience apart from anything but His Spirit (2 Peter 1:3)? How could I expect to accomplish anything of my own accord besides that which grieves His very heart (Ephesians 4:29-30)? How could I think myself capable of doing that which He has asked when He assures me it is impossible to do so without Him (Luke 18:27)?

The second He chooses to remove His grace from me, I fall right back into the sin I have always been prone to commit- fearing men more than I fear God. In theory, it seems like such a ridiculous waste- why would I ever expend an ounce of fear on the ones 'who kill the body but cannot kill the soul' when there is One who has the power to destroy me completely and righteously for my sin against Him (Matthew 10:28)?

And this time seems even worse. At least in years past, I felt I could say 'I didn't know.' But now, I have not even that inadequate excuse for my disobedience- it is simply that and despicably so. I knew exactly the way I was failing Him exactly as I was doing so; I even tried to justify it after the fact.

I am dreadfully and delightfully reminded of His Word 'whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report- if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy'- these things certainly do not come from me. The reason He tells us to meditate on these things in Philippians 4:8 seems to be because they are so utterly foreign to our human nature, and yet perfectly synonymous with His. In order to think upon these things, we must take our eyes off of our own false, dishonoring, unjust, impure, ugly, evil, iniquitous, reprehensible selves and fix them onto our wholly-other-than Lord.

Praise God that He possesses not one shadow of turning, and that His faithfulness is indeed great. Thanks be to His grace as it compels me to repent and to again walk in obedience to His Word. May He allow me to despise not His chastening, nor to be discouraged at His rebuke- for it is itself the sweet reminder of His love, and the hope of His calling. I certainly do not take joy in its painful sting- but I trust and hope for the fruit of righteousness He may choose to produce from its endurance (Hebrews 12:5-6, 11). May it bring Him all the glory I once again sought to steal- as it always has been, always is, and always will be His alone.