Have you ever been in a place, not knowing exactly how you got there? Don’t get me wrong- I know how I got here to Africa; I’ve looked back on the journals and scribbled prayers marking the way. What I don’t know is how I got…here.
Here. A place where I don’t know exactly how to be. A place where I don’t know just what to do. A place where I feel like I know who God is, but don’t know how to live it out. Here.
I can’t pinpoint just when I got here, but I know it’s been a while, and that it’s been wearing on my heart. Those of you who have been in the desert before know that you just sorta wander in and because each way you look just fades together into a blur, it’s hard to decipher what is what. And when the blur just keeps on, your heart feels it.
Fuzzy outlines you believe to be the Man you follow, and so you walk on, all the while not sure if you saw what you thought you did. Was that Him? Is this the way He would have me walk? What if I saw wrongly, and am just chasing shadows??
And yet there is nothing else for you to do; nowhere else for you to be- because you know it’s exactly where He has you; that He has not lost hold of the reigns on your life. You know He’s leading you even though you can barely feel it.
So you wait. For Him to make Himself clear. For Him to speak boldly. For the way to become less vague. I don’t know how long this part lasts, but I hear that it, He eventually does come.
I haven’t known how to write about this place, or how to even understand it. I don’t know that I do yet, but I do feel like He is slowly coming back into focus. He’s looking different than I knew before, but I guess that’s the point. That was why I needed to go through the desert- to relearn and rebelieve Him. I don’t think you get to go through significant life-flipping (like moving faraway and becoming a mother for the first time) without having to readjust. God will never be the One who changes, but oh, how I need to be reshaped. I’m learning that with change comes, well, change.
And I’m thankful for it. Not every moment. Not everyday. But I am learning more and more that God provides exactly what we need in order to be that which He has called us to be. He is able to keep that which I’ve committed to Him, oh He is. And I’m thankful. For here- that it’s not permanent, but that it’s good.
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An Addendum: I found have that adult life is often divided into parts. Not divided in a bad way- but separate nonetheless. There have been many parts I have shared with you on this blog, but there are also parts I have not- this part being one of them. I write about it now not to negate the parts I have written- I love my son, I love our life in Africa, I love the work we get to do. Writing this part is simply meant to let you in on some of the hardships of missionary life and being faraway from the familiar, and even more simply of life as a disciple of Christ. I hope that it proves useful for you who read…
