Does This Thing Have an Off Switch?

No seriously- can someone point me to the switch, or plug, or hibernate button on my brain? I literally don't think it has stopped thinking for the past several days, and I am afraid it might max-out at some point in the near future. I have found myself feeling incredibly overwhelmed as I have jumped back into things after some time away from Charlottesville, and realizing that my brain has not yet figured out an appropriate method of dealing with the increased level of incoming information.

For example, tonight Eric brought up the fact that we have not yet started studying Swahili, and that we will need to do that soon. At the first mention of "Swahili," my brain gave a little chuckle. Then, as Eric began to explain why we would be learning Swahili (when most people actually speak English), and how it will be helpful when working with children with intellectual disabilities who have probably only been exposed tribal languages (which can be related to Swahili)- my brain broke out into a hefty laugh. Eric stopped, and I had to explain that my brain found it humorous that he would even suggest adding such a task to the ever-growing pile.

Clearly, brain, this is not an appropriate way of dealing with things. You cannot laugh in someone's face when they suggest you learn things- especially when those things will help you to serve the ones God has called you to serve! Something is going to have to be adjusted...

Tonight, I am asking the Lord (as I have been asking all day) to increase the capacity of my mind. I am asking Him to give me wisdom about how to deal with everything He is putting before me, and for discernment to understand what is actually necessary. I don't want to be tempted into overworking my brain before I even get to Africa, but also don't want to neglect the things I need to learn before I go. So, Lord Jesus, may my thoughts be evermore obedient to You, and may I take captive and surrender those that are not.

It's Official...I'm a Missionary

That's right, my devoted readers, I have officially been appointed as a Missionary serving with Special Hope Network in Africa for a One-Year Term. Tonight, during a meeting of the Board of Directors, I got to share my heart and desire to continue working with Special Hope in Africa- and they unanimously agreed to bring me on the team! I feel so incredibly blessed to be serving along such godly men and women, and cannot wait to pray through and pursue this dream of ministry together in the year to come.

Now, here is the thing that concerns me about this whole arrangement- I have been appointed as a "missionary." I have to be honest with you, this word (especially when it is being used to identify me) terrifies me. I don't know what it is exactly, but it feels pretty weird to have such a label attached to my personhood.

Don't get me wrong, I have not been forced into this position in any way- it's not like the Board members pinned me down and tattooed it to my forehead or anything like that (that won't be done until the February meeting...). I have willingly accepted this position (and whatever comes with it) for this next season of my life, as I have felt led to do so by the Lord. I think it's just going to take some getting used to...

"Until I Fly Away to the Land of the Children"

Ugh. I don't know if I am gonna be able to keep writing all about myself until March- it's tiring, and probably pretty boring to read.

Surely when March finally/suddenly arrives, and I actually am in "the land of the children" (title quote taken from my dear friend Big Staaacey), I will have plenty to write that is not totally centered on me. Then, I will write about the children and how beautiful they are, and I will post pictures to prove it, and everyone will want to read this blog. Then, I will begin to receive packages from fans with hot sauce, and will set up a pay-pal account so people can help fund my adventures (oh wait, I sorta already did that... http://specialhopenetwork.com/join/giving). Then, my blog will become famous and I will write a book and it will be adapted into a film, in which I will be played by some cute actress...

Oh wait, that's someone else's life. And even though I would love to be compared to Julie and/or Julia in the kitchen, my life will probably not turn out like either of theirs. (If you are not following this pop-culture reference, please comment below. I will not only respond with an explanation, but you will also be my first commentor!)

Sigh. I guess until March I will just have to find more interesting things about which to write. Oh believe me, I will still use and abuse this blog for my own personal processing needs, but I promise "I will behave much better in the future." (If anyone can name the movie from which that line is taken, you will be given the My Best Friend Award.)

For now, will you bear with me?

Let it Be to Me

The emotions I have been experiencing lately are twofold, and directly related to one another- loneliness and pride. I cannot help but feel lonely in the midst of all of this. I am being called to do something different than my close friends and family, and am finding it to be a very isolating reality.

In the moments when I feel this loneliness, my pride surges up as a defense mechanism. I find my wicked heart saying "of course it's lonely up here, Beth, but you have to remember that what you are doing is better than those people- and so you are gonna have to deal with a little isolation." My pride immeadiately moves in to fill the spaces my loneliness seems to create, and I find myself dwelling on awful thoughts like this one. Will you forgive me, friends?

I can't help but wonder if Mary ever felt anything close to what I am feeling now. What did she feel like when the angel told her the news of her coming child? Did she feel isolated? Did she have to deal with pride? I know Christmas is over, and that I should be moving forward in Luke, but instead I move backward to chapter one.

A quick aside- I am really not trying to compare myself the Virgin Mary in this post. I cannot identify with most aspects of her life (especially the miraculous conception of the Son of God part), but I can relate to a very small part of who she was. In chapter one of Luke, she was just a young girl who must have been afraid of the assignment she had been given, and so I look to her for encouragement.

I have loved reading through Mary' song in Luke 1, and have been so encouraged by her heart's response to her destined circumstances. She is able to exalt the Lord in the middle of madness, and rejoice in the great things He has done for her. Even if she is dealing with loneliness and pride- she knows the Lord is mightier than her sin.

So I magnify the Lord with Mary this morning, and claim His mercy for those who fear Him. I will trust Him to scatter my pride and put me down from my throne, so that "it (may) be to me according to [His] word," and that His Name may be exalted.

To All People, Even Them

"Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which will be to all people."

I love this part of the story. Out of all the people in the world, who does God choose to tell first about the birth of His Son- "country shepherds living out in the fields." God chooses a few of the world's least important people and writes them into the most important narrative ever written.

I love this part of the story because it reminds me of God's preferential choice for the weak ones of the world. Throughout the Bible, God seems always to choose the unlikely ones to carry out His plans. I love this part of the story because it gives me hope for my sometimes seemingly unimportant life. If He chose shepherds to be a part of His story, maybe God would use my weak life to show His glory too?

I also love this part of the story because it gives me hope for the lives of the orphans for whom my heart breaks. Although so many would say they aren't worth it, He says that they are. Although so many have forgotten them, He has not. Although so many would argue them as invaluable, He chooses to make them into beautiful vessels of His glory.

Tonight, as I'm sitting by the Christmas tree with hot cider, I can't get them off my mind. I am wishing I could be there to tell them how much they are loved by the God who made them. I am wishing I could demonstrate that they are not a regretable mistake, nor an unfortunate accident. I am wishing I could share with them good tidings of great joy- for He came for them, the weak ones of the world. When no one else would, He came to love them.

I love this part of the story because it changes everything for them. And although it may not look that way for each of them tonight, it will someday. And tonight, I am hopeful of that day- when He will come in His fullness and there indeed will be...

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men."

IMMOBILIZED! But Not Really...

The past few weeks I have sat with Eric and Holly at their dining room table making to-do lists (you know I love to-do lists, but these ones are a bit different than my usual). During these meetings, it has become commonplace for one of us (usually Holly) to interrupt the list-making with a shout- "IMMOBILIZED, IMMOBILIZED!" According to official Special Hope protocol, this alert indicates that one of us has reached an increased state of overwhelmed-ness which causes immediate paralysis of all mental and physical capacities or, as the yelling would suggest, complete immobilization. While no one ever actually becomes frozen to their chair without ability to think- there are moments when it feels like all of the to-do's have suddenly caved in around us, leaving us trapped in the dining room.

At times, the idea of all the to-do's is almost laughable (the shouting is often followed by laughter), but at other times they make it feel as if we are so much farther away from Zambia, and so much farther away from the orphans God has called us to care for (it makes me cringe to end this sentence with a preposition, but it doesn't carry as much weight when I structure it properly).

Yet, in the midst of being weighed down by lists, I have been encouraged by the very character and nature of God. As I get overwhelmed, or begin to feel immobilized by to-do's, the Spirit reminds me of this from Isaiah 40...

"The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom"

No matter how tired I get- He will never grow weary. No matter how weak I feel, His strength will never run low. No matter how my mind must strain to take it all in, He will always be the one holding it all together. I have learned to love this about Him- that He is so wholly other than me, and yet considers me to be a part of His plan for loving these orphans.

Ultimately, I don't have to worry about the "hows" of this calling. I don't have to remain immobilized over immunizations, baggage allowances, visa applications, support raising, etc. For every thing He asks me to do, He will also supply all that I need to be faithfull and obey.

I Want to be Ready

Those of you who know me are well aware that I like to be prepared for things. I'm the girl who grew up picking out her outfit the night before school; the one who started projects weeks before their due date. I'm the girl who does not enjoy surprises; the one thrown into a tizzy when faced with an unexpected situation, especially rain. I'm the girl who likes to think through everything in advance; the one who is almost always prepared for every possibility.

While some of this is rooted in my desire for control, and therefore needs to be surrendered to the Lord's sovereignty, I believe there is an aspect of preparation that is biblical. I believe it plays a significant part in Esther's narrative, as does the idea of divine providence. As I study this book (using a popular study guide), I find myself easily identifying with Esther and the stages of preparation she endures, especially when Mordecai says to her in 4:14 "And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

Like Esther, I feel like I am preparing for a crucial turning point in my life; one of those hinge moments. Or as the author of the study put it, I "may be one brave decision away from the most important turn in [my] entire path." I find myself reacting to the reality of this moment just as I imagine Esther did- with great fear.

She had hundreds of reasons not to go before the king, and believe me, I have already thought of thousands of reasons why I should not go to Zambia. But here is a fun Bible fact (one that has sustained me throughout the past few weeks), the most frequent command in the Bible is this- DO NOT FEAR.

Why? It seems God knew that fear would often hold back His people from fulfilling their divinely ordained purpose. The beauty of it all though, is that our God does not only command that we get over it- He enables us to overcome and be courageous. He offers His hand, says "Take courage, it is I," and with His perfect love, casts out all fear (Matt 14:27 and 1 John 4:18).

As I prepare for this next step, I am choosing to take His hand, and humbly accept whatever courage He offers me. I am learning to lean on His perfect love instead of my terror, and most of all, I am learning to trust Him. I will pray and fast (like Esther did) to prepare for whatever He has planned for me. I want, so desperately, to be ready.